The Villanelle

The Villanelle is an extremely strict and demanding poerty form with a complex structure - six stanzas, five of those are tersets (three lines) and the last, a quartet (four lines). The rhyme scheme for the five tersets would be an A B A and for the last quartet, an A B A A. The villanelle, for some reasons pertaining to its origin, has frequent repetitions. Loss, is mainly of the Villanelle's theme. My poetry class assigned me to make one. And I made a fairly stupid one right here:

Inevitable

Joshua Lagandaon

An inevitable - the parting of ways;
though journeyed from afar, an effort so vain.
O'er the gold-trodden mountains, nothing stays

Even through the golden dusk the sun ends days,
the hummingbird sleeps and the crow cries in pain.
An inevitable - the parting of ways.

The twilight splits. The midnight glistens rays
of rusted hope. Shine, rays, shine that I may gain
the memory of my love, her glorious face.

Beyond the ochre woods of sorrow will race
your Prince, your Duet, your Love. Though the rain
falls, a perilous journey I shall soon face.

The moon must part and the sun must shine. The days
must end and the nights must rise (infamous chain).
Sing to me, that I may hear your voice, your pace.

Though to journey I must, it is Destinys case,
tis he who decides if grief must remain.
An inevitable - the parting of ways.
But I wait, my love, if my love must race.

>

Perpek Lab

Kanina nasa-FX ako, sa pinaka likod. Sa harapan ko dalawang matanda, babae at lalaki. Nakayakap yung lalaking matanda sa babaeng matanda. At yung babae naman hawak-hawak ang braso ng lalaki na tila sumisigaw ng, "Never let me go." Yung yakap nila parang pangtin-ejer. Nagulat ako kasi minsan lang ako makakita sa pinas ng mga matandang nagmamahalan na parang wala nang bukas. Buong biyahe ata nakangiti lang ako sa kanila. Gusto ko ganun din kami nang swerteng magiging asawa ko. Ang swit swit nila. Parang Perpek Lab.

Okay. Hear me out.

The most amazing but unusual thing happened to me. Nasa taxi ako pauwi.I think I had a bit too much wine to drink from a friend's house party that I had this strong desire to write something. I grabbed my journal and started scribbling stuff down on paper. I wasnt even looking. My hands were doing all the work while my mind drifted away along the heavily air polluted streets of Pasig. The taxi dropped me home and I forgot all about what I wrote until I read it again the next day. I was shocked. Cause what I wrote was about something that happened to me a long, long time ago. The thing is, this is my unconscious talking (or maybe the wine), NOT ME. So this is what came out:


The night was of peace, sorrow and destiny. The quiet street bristled with apathy yet all we heard was the symphony that dwelled within us - a duet of molded hearts. There we were, enjoying the air that was pure in every way. In that exact time our hearts were synchronized.

But it was inevitable - like our lives were already printed in history. We were there, beneath the star studded skies when your eyes radiated with innocence while mine of grief, regret, anger and confusion. I wanted what was mine so badly. And what faced you was nothing more than a past - a past that I wish you once deemed important.

No.

This is not love.

For love is something perpetual. It is everlasting. It does not wither. It never fails. It is designed by the hands of God. Its essence is weaved by the Omnipresent.

But what was it? Was this merely a bond? One that is created when beings converge and understand each other holistically? Was the pain caused by the lack of something that was once part of you and at the present is fondled by someones arms?

I wish not to know the whys or the hows. What I wish to discover is the cure that will alleviate the bruises that this foolishness has caused me; to wipe away what is left of my tears with a handkerchief that is no longer soaked.

Everyone knows im a creative writer. I have to conform to the norms of what a perfect writer is - a writer who writes with material, substance, coherence, a decent choice of words, blah, blah, blah. Everything that my hand jots down must be perfect, untainted, flawless and marvelous. Nothing should be of the ordinary. I must be unique. I must have my own style. I must be this, I must be that. Just like my blockmate Bea Celdran said in a writing workshop, "We carry the burden of our name. There is pressure in a creative writer because everything we write must be perfect. If we fail, we are judged."

But why is it that I took this course? Why is it that I chose to train under this art? Why is it that I branded myself with "creative writer" written all over me and in turn am punished by the pressure it exerts on me? But alas, I shouldnt be tormented by this situation at all. Why? Because I took this course so that I could learn about it. I am not perfect. Even now I believe that what Im writing isn't worthy of a Palanca Award, but soon though, it will be.

To all those people who I snobbed in the past - be it in the kosta walkways, the xavier waiting shed or the gonzaga hall - I am deeply sorry. It is of utmost importance for you to know that I AM BLIND AS A BAT. My eyes are defected, at least I think they are cause they're both 325 in grade. Haha. Don't hate me... :)

>Hell Week

If I ever want to have a future in this school, I'm gonna have to work my ass off. Im in what they- those with an overflowing Blue Eagle Pride- call the infamous "Hell Week". This seven-day period is when you get bombarded with so much papers to complete, so much stuff to research on, read, and study. I am not enjoying it, just to let you know. I think im losing weight... not that there is still something to lose... because of so much late nights. My hatest thing is, the feeling I get when I sleep on my homework, or any task assigned to me, reassuring myself that I'll only take a nap, realizing that when I open my eyes for a second, my body feels heavy and there's already sunlight on my window. The guilt is unbearable. I dont know why I'm like this. Coffee doesnt work on me. I tried several times but the heat of the beverage just makes me even more sleepy. To show you how much I persevere, Im not going out tomorrow! Yeehaw! hehe! Im going to bum myself at home with my papers and books. Im gonna have so much fun!!! :(

RECAP!!

>Ryan Camus's Super Awesome English Block House Party!

We planned our very first English Block super awesome house party! Yey! *applause*. It's at Ryan Camus' house. His house was a palace. Probably a hundred times bigger than mine. We dined on Yellow Cab pizzas all night. To wash it down, I had my very first taste of luxury, a chilled glass of wine which I enjoyed for the first time. I was shocked to find out that Ryan actually played the piano. He not only played the piano, he owned it. He played a couple of popular masterpieces such as: The Flight of the Bumblebee and Rhapsody in the Blue ( hope i got that right). He doesnt look like anyone who would play the piano. Haha! It sounded like the ones you hear in five star hotels, only I was just one-foot away. I savored the music and closed my eyes with my head bobbing to the beat. I never enjoyed classical music this much. I went home amazingly early (my "early" during weekends is 1 PM below. Hehe..). It's the perfect time to sleep.

Fun Kills: A Night Morning of Excessive Partying

Club Nostalgia is what I call it. There are times when I yearn for the eardrum-bursting sound of the club, be it house, hip-hop or trance; the ambience, the dancing, and the cancer-filled air. These are the things I want my weekends to consist of. I really don't know what I find amusing in the club, the company of my friends perhaps. But why don't I find tambays similarly interesting? Well that is because there are two Joshes in this world: the subtle one, prominent in the situations wherein the presence of alcohol is made available, and the wild-I-dont-care-about-the-world one, seen most frequently during the combination of music and friends. The latter is the one that invades the clubs. Yesternight was different. I have never stayed in one club for too long. I exceeded the climax and was entering the downward fall. It wasn't fun anymore. The ear-piercing music wasn't pleasurable anymore. That coupled with the smoke-filled air gave me headaches...

Despair

Im so sick of blood. Im so sick of death. Im so sick of sadness, of despair, of loneliness.

Im sick of the world and it's numb people.

We will never heal. The world is in its downfall. Nothing can save us now.

We have plummeted to the depths of no return. We are six-feet-under, with corpses rotting beside.

Curse those who plan to save the world. Their efforts are in vain.

Nothing can save us now.

Being blind is supreme ecstasy when visions around you resonate darkness and death.

I yearn for light, I pray for just a ray, just a sparkle of hope, a minute omen that there is tomorrow.

I call for change, for justice, for peace. I call for my God, my savior, my light.

The Unsaid

FICTION:

The Unsaid

Where did you go? Do you even know what time it is? Who gave you the authority to leave the house anytime you want to? You want to have that freedom? Then dont live here! As long as you sleep in my bed and feed on my table, you abide by my rules and nothing else. Listen to me! I am your father!

I told you! It was traffic! Thats it! Im sorry okay?

Why are you answering back? Dont answer back!

You asked me a question.

What now? Explain yourself!

I already did.

Speak up for gods sake! Open your mouth! Were you with your stupid friends again? You seem to value them more than me!

Thats not true. This is my fault, not theirs.

Its three AM! You know people get killed on the streets at this time of the morning!

I die when I die. Please stop. I dont need this.

Were you with your friend Gian again? That pig?! Hes nothing but a bad influence! For once Josh, choose your friends!

I hate it when you blame every thing on my friends. I hate it when you insult them. What friends do you want me to have? Priests? You arent perfect yourself.

The reason why youre like this is because...

of your friends.

... of your friends!

Your friends are stupid.

Your friends are stupid! Youre grounded for...

probably a week, or a month perhaps.

...a month!

Finally. 3, 2, 1...

Go to your room!

Bingo.

Just Plain Happy

Dont you sometimes have those days wherein everything just runs so smoothly almost so mysteriously perfect that God seems to be right there beside you? This day is one of them. These are the days when you just want everything to end so that nothing else can have the chance to ruin the rapture you so very much desire. These are the days when you go home with a big smile on your face and this unbelievable lightness in you heart. These days are what I want my whole life to consist of. Impossible. Yes. There must always be those malevolent demons that foster darkness within you, cursing you till kingdom come. It may be of my power to make the day right, but try as I may, the darkness is external.

Life has its ups and downs. There is no equilibrium. The downs are there for variety, I say to myself. Nothing can break me down.

Yes

Sleepy

Going home by ten is not a joke. Im sooo tired and sleepy. Just when you thought you are free to warm the bed you get attacked by homeworks which wont let you sleep till they're done.

Right now Im enjoying the long breaks cause I get to hang out with my friends when in fact I should be studying. At least Im having fun. My blockmates are hella FUN! Ateneo's a blast.

*yawn* sleepy time...

Tanghalang Ateneo (Ateneo's Theatre Arts Org.)

They told me to act this out with full emotion. It was SO HARD!

"Situation...
Imagine the end of the world
then quickly a transition,
you begin to discover that there is hope
another transition,
you tell everyone about the spark of hope you found but they dont believe it.
You are left dismayed.

we must be able to see the switching of emotions, no stopping.

now...

act this out while singing 'ocho-ocho'
In 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, ACTION!"


Believe me, this wasn't easy. I was confused and unable to think clearly. There was pressure cause there were a lot watching me. I looked stupid. I really did. I think they think so too. At least I had the GUTS! Haha! Makapal na talaga muka ako ano ba yan... I did what eveyone else does: imagine you are alone in a room acting out to yourself. It works! Hehe! Fortunately, after the interview, I PASSED!!! Hahahaha! I have an Org.! Joy!

An earthquake...
Debris falls
People in chaos like rats scattering everywhere
Nurses shouting, "Dont panik! Dont panik!"
Medical supplies cover most of the ground
Wheel chairs rolling everywhere
Patients with IV still connected in them clash to the walls
Flourescent lamps dangle from the ceiling
sparks of electricity...
the ground separates..
A hit on my head

a moment of dreadful darkness

and then...

consciousness...

My eyes open

The morgue

Beside me lies the cold, rotting, ashen and seemingly moist body of my grandmother
her face inches beside mine
eyes white, shrunken and decaying
hands clenched on her chest and shaking
her expression yearning for help
a sharp pain in my heart
my eyes close, breathing retaliates, the pounding stops...


The sound of rain rattles from the ceiling. The air cool and comfortable. I feel moisture on my pillow. It was a dream. The same dream that haunted me for some time now. I dont know what it means...

Ateneo 101

Before I start doing my homework, hear me out.

Im having a blast in school, thankfully. Everything's new to me. There are so much new things for me to discover. The future is for me to absorb. Stepping on Ateneo grounds is like stepping on unfamiliar territory. I am thankful to have my blockmates in this incredible journey to who-knows-where. Although I consider my blockmates "aliens" too like I am, their culture and lifestyle are very intruiging. In this biological community, adaptation is the key to survival. I am so not used to the things they find importance in. It feels like only yesterday when I would go ranting out to my friends the perils of life in an absolutely inane way of speaking the tagalog language. Only yesterday when I would dance to the sound of hip-hop music with my friends. Only yesterday when the only person I could talk to about art is my literature teacher. Only yesterday when I had the skill of singing along with every song my classmates would sing.

A step in the Ateneo grounds and a fantastic three weeks, everything has changed. I have learned the basics about what almost everyone would call their "dream" school. I now laugh on the common misconceptions people make about Ateneo. Let us tackle the subject of conyosism. Not everyone in the school is, what you would call, "conyo". We are a mix of your typical stereotypes: the nerd, the cheerleader, the jock, the sexually-preoccupied maniac, the stoner, the upper-class men and so on. Today, no one can seem to define the exact and appropriate meaning of what a conyo is. For some a conyo may mean a person gifted in the art of the english language. For some a conyo may mean someone who dresses like one. For some, a conyo's a conyo just because they're rich and they live in Alabang. For me, a conyo's a mix of the three. We're well off topic here. SKIP.

Music. Music has taken so much of my blockmates' life they actually feed on it. Right now, I do not know what music they are listening to, what genre or who sang it. I am an alien to their whimsical world of guitars, pianos, violins and the like.

Books. Wasn't it just yesterday when I was considered the nerd in my class just because of getting hooked up on one of them? Well, nerds make the majority of us now, my own kingdom of friends who actually have read one of them without pictures on it.

English. PERIOD

Arts. There is though, one thing that seperates my Creative Writing block from the others. Our seemingly deep ardore for the passion of the arts. It is nice to know that there are actually a lot of people in this world of my age interested in writing too.

Humor. Extremely different compared to the one im used to. This will take some getting used to.

My friends, I have been in the same school with almost the same people for six years, each of them I dearly love and miss right now. But now, I have come to the realization that all of us must move on. We must all be adept in the process of adaptation if we want to be someone in life (this doesn't mean giving in to the claws of peer pressure though). Accept. Accept and absorb. Live and learn and love...

Shet

Nireto Ako sa Katulong!

The night life. A noisy escape from the perils of the real world. I love going out often with my friends. Kanina lang I was in eastwood with my friends Kiro, Bernard, Vernice, Elaine, Star and Donna. I brought my two cousins too.

Anyway, the highlight of the story was in Blue Onion. Tinatamad ako magkwento. Nireto ako ni Kiro sa katulong. Natawa ako. Ayoko, pero nakakahiya. Kelangan sayawin. That was it. Sleepy time... :)

Jologs to the Max

Humiliation at It's Best

I have betrayed the god of coolness, I deserve to be punished! I would consider myself jologs, on occasion though, not frequently. But now I believe I journeyed beyond the jologs line, where no jolog has ever been before. Call me shallow, call me corny, I DON'T CARE!

The incident started with a simple call from my friend Vernice. Innocent, welcoming, exciting. She told me that her mom chose 5 people from my school including me to appear on-air, rather, to participate in a dance contest. Wow! I was flattered although not surprised 'cause I know I dance well. She told me the competition was to be held at the ABS CBN studios. With that given, a couple of things ran through my mind. One, I couldn't picture myself competing in those silly TV dance competitions with opponents having different jologial characteristics such as the usual anak-araw colored hair and over-sized hip-hop jogging pants. No. I was better than that. But Vernice is everything to me. She is a dear friend and I love her. Besides, she said there was no competition between us and those who would audition too. We were FAR better she assured me. Well then, with that given, it wasn't that difficult to agree. Ok. A trade of when, where and how soon began. We were off to the ABS CBN studios.

The day started off excessively early. I was still tired and deprived of sleep from our ONE NIGHT practice. Only ONE NIGHT. No polishing, no mistake pointing of steps, just ONE NIGHT. The practice was uber lame. I knew from the start that we wouldn't win but who the hell cares? Lets just do this for experience. Meeting place was in Vernice's house. I was LATE as usual. They all expected me to be. We headed off to ABS. They made us wait for, let me see, about 5 hours? With nothing to do but to gawk and stare at the passing celebrities. Celebrity hunting is not my thing, believe me. Nothing too special about them but appearing on TV. We're all people. You're no special than those janitors who you pass by and eye-roll along the ABS hallways. Anyway, enough of the artista hatred, where was I? Ok. We were off to the studios. A middle-aged man met us along a never-ending hallway studded with gigantic doors providing entrance to numerous studios. The man asked us for our troupe name. We all paniked. To make matters worse, someone shouted, "STARS! We're the STARS from ROSARIO, PASIG!" I'm really not quite sure who made this unforgivable mistake. STARS was too lame for a dance troupe name. TOO LAME. I cannot be known worldwide with a dance troupe named STARS. I just can't. I still have my dignity you know? Fine, it's only a name, at least we dance well! Inside the studio were A LOT of people. I mean a lot. I started to feel my heart beat. I'm usually not embarrassed when about to perform on stage. These people were professionals. They were psyched up, in COSTUME (which we didn't know we needed), and ready to go. The group names were called. Named ranging from "SUMISID" which was a group dressed in swimsuits and VHOYZ ATTRACTION (over accentuated version of Boy's Attraction, ARGH!), an over jologs group composed of, umm, jologs with leather jackets and anak-araw hair.

First group was on and man were they good! They threw like almost 1500 degree frontflips and backflips in the air and they did it without effort! Right then and there I was ready to backout. We were good but not THAT good! These people know what they're doing and clearly we didn't know what we were! I wanted to back out but it was too late. Our name was called, "STARS FROM ROSARIO PASIG!". I wanted to curl and make like a tree from embarrassment. We approached the stage with a seemingly plastic cheerleader smile on our faces. The music played. I didn't know what I was doing. I made mistakes. HUGE ONES. One you'll never forget even after a year. Our dance consisted of only 3 different 8-count steps repeated 3 times and then finished. T'was too lame. A camera was present for later reviewing of the judges. I just wanted to finish this hell then move on with my life. There were no more dance steps left but the music played on. We weren't really supposed to finish the dance. The judges had disgust written all over their faces. "Tapos na kayo?" they said. We agreed. Off the stage we go with our heads down. I have never been so humiliated before in my life. Count this as my most embarrassing experience. A form will be given to those who impressed the judges. They will be appearing on TV for the first competition. The audition continued with each group seemingly better than the last. The competition ended after all the groups performed. One by one accepted groups were called unto the stage until none but four groups were left sitting on the audience chairs, INCLUDING US. The winners stared at us and grinned. I wanted to die. Hit myself with a chair or something, I DONT CARE!

I will never go through that hell again ever. I was lucky we didn't get accepted. The competition had JOLOGS tagged on it. Sorry the story got too long. I just had to stress each situation.

OrSem

Ateneo Orsem BABY!

I don't really know what to feel right now. I guess APPREHENSIVE's the right word. Im REALLY excited and I don't know what to expect. Im just happy that I got into a GOOD school. God blessed me too much! There's so much going on in my mind right now and Im loving it! Haha!

I guess the OrSem Night's the highlight of the century! I heard a lot of good bands will perform there! haha! Im currently imagining mosh pits, sweat, headbanging and the like but I guess it's not as wild there as I suspect! Anyway, Im signing off, sleepy time... :)

China

In China Once Again

Arrived in China last January 25. It's my second day here and Im freezing to death. It's damn cold! Leaving an enclosed space isn't a joke anymore, it's damn cold! I miss sweating so much! And I miss running! I can't run here cause it's damn cold! Taking a bath is everyone here's worst nightmare. Stepping on the bathrooms tiled floor feels like your stepping on ice! Literally!

How's the food here? It's actually a thrill in not knowing what you're eating! Hehe! Yesterday, in a fancy seafood restaurant, I was eating this jelly like string out of a material like wood. After consuming a plate of it, I discovered that those were grubs, those fat maggots enclosed in plant stems that you only see tribes eating in National Geographic Channel. No reason to fret cause I ate them already anyway.

The education here's awesome! And I mean awesome! Finally, I felt the "international" in an international school. All of the teachers were awesome.

Anyway, Im off to shop for clothes...

Satisfied

More Than Happy

Rewind...
Whenever I look back at all the things I've done for the past 16 years of living this fragile life, all I can say to myself is im more than happy. Im living a great life and Im content with it. Content is such a simple word. Content is being happy about what you've got. Im beyond contented, I've got more than I asked for and I thank God for it. He made me special, and I love Him for it. Im glad of all my shortcomings, without them I wouldn't be strong.

I pity all those who waste their lives doing things that would break them in the end. Pathetic fools. All of us are given chances, we just have to grasp the oppurtunity and suck the succulent reward that comes with it. But what do they do? They let them go in exchange for nonsense, an utterly complete, unadulterated nonsense, throwing their lives away like there's no tomorrow.

Im happy... that's it.

Passing Ateneo

Passing Ateneo

I got this unstoppable urge to boast... forgive me...

Personal Essay

“Are there any significant experiences you have had, or accomplishments you have realized that have helped define you as a person?”

A man is created by his past and changed by tomorrow. “How little it takes to make or break us.” A single strand in time can construct you into what you will be before the very second of your death. Sometimes you stumble, sometimes you fall, and sometimes God gives you the courage to pick yourself up again, dust yourself off and continue with your life. I am a man of many experiences, mostly good ones I guess. All the hardships I have in life, I believe, are made by God to make one stronger and better than he was yesterday

The experience I value the most was receiving my very first accolade at 2^nd Grade, it was a medal for 2^nd Honors. It might seem shallow but standing on stage for the first time in front of many people awoke me to the measure of my capabilities. I was proud to be good at something at last.

The medal opened my eyes to brand new horizons. Suddenly I thought to myself, “Surely I can do better.” So I studied. Every time, after going home from school, I would rummage through our so-called “library” which was merely just a cabinet filled with books and such. I would take hold of a book everyday and promise myself to finish it no matter what happens, even if the words were too hard to understand. I was told that books can take you on a journey to places where you have never been before. In front of me were pieces of the world just waiting to be discovered. I journeyed to Taj Mahal in India, vacationed in the beaches of Hawaii, got chased by tribes of many sorts, got killed on a plane crash in Amsterdam and feasted with the Knights of the Round Table with nothing but a book in my hand. Through these books I learned a lot and because of reading I did better at school. Receiving my very first award for 1^st Honors delighted me. I was now confident of my capabilities. At school I joined clubs, drama plays, quiz bees, varsities, and art competitions trying to sense what other things I can do good at. Getting into my school’s badminton varsity team was also one of my most treasured experiences.

I thank God so much everyday that he made me the way I am. I know that God has a purpose for me which would probably be too hard to discern because of its greatness. I believe God has prepared something for all of us, something too good for us to know yet. The Lord did not bestow our family with exorbitant amounts of money so my parents do not answer to my every whim but we do enjoy the little luxuries of life which my dad could sometimes afford. I like to think of my successes as treasures more valuable than money itself. I am proud and thankful of all my experiences in life, be it good or bad, because I am proud of what I am today.